There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
