Someone shit on the floor
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
