I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
