don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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