EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
