i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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