Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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