I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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