I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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