My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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