I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize