just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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