I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
