I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
