Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
