he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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