every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
