I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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