Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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