apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Vodka?
Forever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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