what day is it and did you see me today?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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