I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
