Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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