the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
