Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
