I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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