i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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