She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize