I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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