I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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