The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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