I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
