If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
