you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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