I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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