the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
