the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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