Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
