I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
