i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm really busy with my period
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