my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
