It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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