my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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