Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
