I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
