theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
