I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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