The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
