I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
