make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
