My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
