Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
