Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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