I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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