His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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