It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
