ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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