There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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